Written by Former Executive Director of Research & Media Claire Watson
Grief is “a reaction to any form of loss… [that] encompass a range of feelings from deep sadness to anger, and the process of adapting to a significant loss can vary dramatically from one person to another, depending on his or her background, beliefs, relationship to what was lost, and other factors.” (Mastrangelo & Wood, 2016)
Dr. Robert A. Neimeyer explains, “Death may end a life, but not necessarily a relationship.” Although the person may be gone, the emotions and experiences tied to them continue through one’s life, forcing them to reimagine that relationship while grieving.
Some stages of grief can include (1) denial, (2) anger, (3) bargaining, (4) depression, and (5) acceptance, as determined by the psychologist Elizabeth Külber-Ross. Note, these stages may not occur for everyone or in the same way; some students may experience them out of order, while others repeat stages. Shock and a stressful environment can amplify these stages as well.
Causes of Grief
There are various causes for grief. There are many questions to ask.
For school children of any age, there is likely to be grief over the loss of a teacher, an administrator, parent, grandparent, relative, friend, neighbor, etc. In counseling, this might be one of the first questions to ask: “Have you lost anyone over the past year?” This is a crucial question to ask as a starting point for assessing a child’s circumstances and needs.
So, what are some solutions to help those in grief? Routine! For many children, part of their grief is amplified when losing a sense of routine that they likely had when the school doors were open.
Moreover, students may have lost touch or affection. Some students may have been in environments where they were used to regularly receiving appropriate kinds of touch and affection with trusted adults in a safe environment.
An instance of grief may have been the loss of a teacher or administrator who also offered emotional support and a safe haven for students. This was not provided during the pandemic while students and faculty were relegated to their homes.
Professional grief counselors guide people through loss and learning how to identify their needs and feelings. Support from school counselors also aids in the grieving process. An essential first step for counselors is to help students identify their feelings and needs. For example, if someone lost a parent, they are likely to have the following needs: empathy, support, compassion, peace of mind, and community. They might need friendship. They might need dignity. Counselors can help students identify these things, find courses of action to meet their needs, and validate their feelings.
Counseling someone in grief can be most effective when feelings and needs are clearly identified. In some cases, students simply need space. They might not necessarily want to talk. Other times they may simply wish to be heard, have a moment, and settle. The grieving process is different for every student; thus, it is requisite to determine one’s needs.
A counselor can make simple inquiries, focusing solely on the student.
“Do you want to speak about what is going on?”
“Do you want to say how you are feeling?”
“How are others (i.e. friends and family) feeling and responding to the loss or change?”
If a child does not want to talk, they might need time to simply sit and be quiet in a safe environment. This will help build trust with the school counselor and/or other faculty members.
Some children have developed a high degree of sensitivity. They may find they need to spend time apart from the class in a room where they can do their work free from words and actions that would activate their anxieties (we no longer use the word “trigger” out of concern for its reference to gunfire and violence).
Behaviors to look for in your students may include: expressing new fears, lack of sleep, loss of interest in favorite activities, inability to concentrate, and general sadness, anxiety, or irritability. Moreover, various ages may respond in different ways as their ability to verbalize emotions develops.
At The Relationship Foundation, we believe that having the ability to articulate one’s wants, feelings, and needs is important in the grief process. Imagine being in a state of grief and not having the words to articulate to your counselor what you need. Having a vocabulary to describe what a student is feeling is important because a counselor is not a mind reader.
What if you were given a list of feelings and needs to choose from? A student may feel sad, lonely, shaky, exhausted, anxious, overwhelmed, frustrated, frightened, etc. A counselor hearing those articulated feelings will begin to have insight into a student’s dilemma.
As mentioned above, a counselor could ask further questions about the specific needs and feelings that the student has shared. The counselor can make the student feel seen, validated, and heard through this process of identifying, analyzing, and coping.
What to Do
Here are some suggestions about what children need in the immediate aftermath of a traumatic event, such as a pandemic and/or loss of a loved one:
- Explore what causes the child to feel safe or insecure.
- Ask the child about what happened and actively listen to them.
- Respect boundaries by asking the child, “Is this a good time to talk?”
- Provide space to allow for personal choice.
- Respect differences in the grieving process.
- Stay present for the student. This includes using phrases like,
“I hear you.” “Tell me more.” “Is there more to that?”
A sense of safety is key. These actions are necessary. They can help children to recover quicker from the impact of grief and/or trauma when they know they can count on support. Usually, this comes from caregivers, but when a child spends a significant amount of time in a day at school, the child’s counselors and teachers can have an enormous impact on their recovery. Moreover, an environment that promotes safety and trust lets the child regain a sense of control, predictability, and stability. This is vital in providing support to comfort the student during a period of adversity.
Everyone experiences the stages of grief in different ways:
- Saying things like “just say strong” is empathy blocking, which can be detrimental to the student. In addition, statements like “If you get stuck in denial, you will never reach acceptance” can be seen as unrequested advice.
- Feedback, such as “It is okay to be sad,” can be useful.
- A child could possibly experience survivor’s guilt where they place the blame for the loss on themselves.
There is nothing absolute about the duration of intense grief, and each student suffering from distress has unique characteristics.
See all of our free resources at www.therelationshipfoundation.org
RESOURCES
Event: Webinar Sign Up – HelpGuide.org – May 21st @ 3:00 pm EST
Articles:
School Grief Counseling Techniques | Bradley University Online
Helping Children Cope with Traumatic Events
3 Grief Counseling Therapy Techniques & Interventions
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